Hello.

Here I am. Starting a blog, for the...third time? Fourth? It's not the only thing I'm picking up again this time. Last night I went back to a knitting project I set aside in May. This morning I stood by the side of the bed with my eyes closed, wrestling with part of me that wanted to curl up under the covers.

I wanted to keep resting, I wanted to stay warm, I wanted to remain cuddling up to my family, still  relatively new in this new three person configuration.  I wanted to lay my arm  along my boy's tummy, rounded from nursing, and rest my hand on my guy's side. I did the difficult but important thing instead. I rummaged, as quietly as possible, through my drawers for some pants and a shirt that fit me in my not-yet-returned-to-before-there-was-a-baby shape, gathered up my keys and wallet, and went to the gym. What should come most easily, making time for myself to take care of myself, often is the last thing on my mind in the middle of the day.  The easiest thing at five in the morning, after taking care of one of my son's greatest needs, is to keep taking care of him, or to fling myself back into bed for as many more minutes of sleep I can get before the day starts in earnest.

I made a bold statement last night: that my guy and I should create a plan so that we could each have time to take care of ourselves physically. I thought about it a bit and suggested a division of mornings so I could be sure to exercise three times a week - what I would consider the minimum necessary to return to any level of fitness, and the maximum I felt ready to commit to doing regularly right now.  I failed to consider that my plan included this morning, and that rather than wait for when I felt over my cold, or wait for the weekend, or wait for next week or wait for whatever, my guy would assume I would start immediately.

The knitting project I began in May is a hat for my guy. It uses a soft, thick yarn of variegated greens and blues. I started it soon after my son was born.  I started it to use this beautiful yarn. I started it to have one thing that I did for my own pleasure in a time when I only ever had a couple of minutes every few hours that were not filled with feeding myself or my son, cleaning one of us, preventing one of us from crying, or sleeping.  I didn't really have time for a new project, but I didn't have another way to scratch out a little space just for me.  I didn't have the fortitude to go off by myself, or the focus to think, write, meditate or simply breathe for it's own sake.  Knitting half a row at a time felt like as good a way as any to continue doing something I loved and engage in a regular activity that made me feel good that didn't revolve around anyone else.

My boy makes me feel amazing. He fills my soul effortlessly. He also takes an unbelievable amount of energy, time, care, thoughtfulness, and work. Since right before May I've been, in large part, consumed by parenting this wee one. It's been an astounding experience full of challenges and joys. Today my boy is five months old. He is significantly different than he was when he was born. Just today I watched him roll from his back right onto his stomach and keep on rolling onto his back again. What an incredible feat!, I thought. I smiled big and laughed and clapped my hands, and celebrated this little body's new abilities. And I also feel I am different than I was five months ago. My focus is different, and my time to myself has taken on new preciousness. I'm beginning this blog (and my knitting, and the exercising...) as a way to return small pieces of my own life back to my days. At some point they will not just be a part of a new routine anymore but will have once again become a part of me.

Hello.